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As Pure As...

Title: As Pure As…
Author: jaune_chat
Fandoms: The Avengers (film)
Characters/Relationships: Tony, Natasha, Clint, Bruce, Steve, Thor, Jane
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 611
Spoilers: none
Content Advisory: CRACK! Unicorns
Disclaimer: Not mine, just playing.
A/N: Written for a prompt from avengerkink.
Summary: A unicorn gets into the Tower. Tony is the only one who can calm it down. Because he's virgin.
The rest of the team is... astonished barely covers it.
On Ao3 or below the cut


"No," Natasha said flatly.

"What?" Tony said.

"No way."

"Um..."

"No way in hell."

"It's nuzzling me," Tony pointed out, patting the silken smooth neck of the beautiful unicorn who'd let him, and only him, touch it. No one else had been able to stop the poor thing from running around the halls of the Tower in a panic. Jane was really, really sorry about the portal accident, but even she hadn't been able to calm the unicorn down.

"I was Pepper's assistant for weeks. She told me all the horror stories. I saw the videos." Natasha was nearly sputtering in shock, and Clint was looking between the unicorn and Tony with a growing look of disbelief.

"I can't believe Steve's not a virgin," Clint muttered.

"Why does everyone think that?!" Steve demanded. "There were about ten chorus girls who decided to take me for a 'trial run,' plus all that time with the Commandos-."

"LA LA LA!" Tony said, covering his ears before Steve could besmirch his own image any more. The unicorn nuzzled him again, and Tony took his hands away to pet it again.

"But are not your sexual exploits the cause for dozens of your YouTube videos?" Thor asked. "Or was that all the result of... photo manipulation, I believe Jane called it?"

"To be fair, most of those are just Tony wasted, sometimes without clothes," Bruce said.

"Not that you've seen such trash, except for research purposes," Tony said.

"Of course," Bruce said without a blush.

"And no, those videos are legit, Thor." Tony waggled his eyebrows salaciously, which was wrong, just wrong, while he was still petting a unicorn. "But I'm still unbesmirched as a newly-fallen snow."

"How?" Clint demanded. "How the hell are you still a virgin?"

"Unicorns," Tony said, with an air of a professor delivering a thermodynamics lecture, "are apparently very technical in nature. They have very narrow and strict interpretations as to virginity."

"Oh no..." That came from Jane, who had just come in the room from the lab and had a hand up to her mouth to stifle laughter.

"See? Foster knows what I'm talking about. Scientists love technicalities."

"You-." Natasha stopped, apparently mentally reviewed some information she was privy to, and flushed red. "Oh my God."

Tony carefully took his hands and used them to cover the unicorn's ears. "Apparently this unicorn defines virginity as never having put my game cartridge in a woman's console. Which I haven't."

"You did not just use an 80s gaming metaphor to describe sex," Jane said between giggles.

"Not that my cartridge hasn't been everywhere else."

"Stop talking, Tony," Natasha said through gritted teeth.

"And I do mean everywhere. My mouth too. And fingers. Toes. All other appendages have been in all other orifices-."

Natasha raised her Widow's Bite and Tony stopped reciting his alternate sexual exploits.

"I have a personal, iron-clad, non-paternity clause in my personal morality," Tony said with dignity. Natasha just continued to glare. "It's okay, girl," he said to the unicorn. "Let's get you back home."

Tony gently led the unicorn back to Jane's lab, leaving the others to stare each other in consternation.

"Don't say anything about this. Ever again," Natasha said, her voice low and deadly.

"What would we say?" Bruce said reasonably. "And who would believe us?"

"Yeah, especially about Cap's V-card having been punched, pummeled, and ripped into little shreds in 1940," Clint said, grinning.

"Shut up," Steve said, blushing.

"That Tony has left one more gift to give is admirable," Thor declared.

"Yeah, if you wanna get technical about it," Natasha said, and looked at the retreating unicorn with Tony Stark at her side.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
daria234
Jan. 19th, 2014 07:32 am (UTC)
This is SO hilarious. I love that the reason is so Tony can avoid paternity. And now I am imagining Steve's time with the Howling Commandos....

This made me grin :D

jaune_chat
Jan. 19th, 2014 08:32 am (UTC)
Hee hee! So glad you liked it! :D
grand_duc
Jan. 19th, 2014 02:58 pm (UTC)
Lol

Awesome overall characterization. I loved how much aplomb Tony kept thourough the whole thing, and Natasha POV was genius.

Nice explanation too, the whole yhing was way less cracky than it has any buisnesss being :)
jaune_chat
Jan. 19th, 2014 10:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm very glad you liked it! :)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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