Fandom: Top Gear (U.K.) and Star Trek
Characters: Jeremy, James, Richard; Kirk, McCoy, Uhura, Spock, Sulu, Chekov
Word Count: 1,247
Disclaimer Lies, damn lies, and no statistics.
Author’s Notes: Written for rubynye’s Birthday Meme. For the prompt:
Our crew is Starfleet's finest, and our record is our pride.
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide.
Summary: Top Gear… IN SPACE! With the crew of the Enterprise.
Jeremy - "As you know, our producers like to give us challenges."
Screen flashes with scenes of the Race Across Vulcan, the Aquatic Boat Race Across the Sea of Tranquility, and the Used Lifepod Challenge
Richard - "And this time they gave us 3,000 credits and told us to get a shuttlecraft and meet on Risa."
Jeremy gives the camera a huge grin and thumbs up while James merely smirks.
Stock footage of beautiful, tropical Risa
Jeremy, in a voiceover: "Risa, well known for wine, women, song..."
More stock footage of drinking parties, women in revealing resortwear, and bands playing
Jeremy, in a voiceover - "Unfortunately, not so much for their transport. But we're here to change that!"
Camera swoops in on a large, picturesque field beside a waterfall. Jeremy is standing next to a large, yellow, mean-looking shuttle with outsized nacells and a bull logo on the nose. He gestures at it proudly as he talks
Jeremy - "The Lamborghini Superlegera XLT-5300. This was the choice for the serious pilot who wanted to get noticed some ten-odd years ago. Superb acceleration, top speed of Warp 4.5, with a customized booster pack that will clear you of a planet's atmosphere in 8 seconds, frankly it's the best possible thing anyone could have bought with their 3,000 credits."
James, in a voiceover - "The best possible thing to buy, provided that you were a complete idiot."
James lands in an elegantly-proportioned small shuttle, silver with a round logo on the front of a cross and serpent.
Jeremy, scoffing - "An Alfa Romero? James, you are supposed to fly the shuttle, not just look at it while you're stranded on the launch pad for a week."
James, looking superior - "Of course, we are on Risa."
Jeremy, laughing as he looks around at the scenery - "I've noticed."
James - "Well, being that we are on Risa for this challenge, I've brought the most beautiful shuttlecraft on the market. Quite honestly, who cares if it breaks down?"
Jeremy, reluctantly impressed - "Well, you do have a point there."
Richard arrives, setting down a bright red, tiny, swift-looking shuttlecraft with large forward headlights and oddly back-heavy nacells. It bears a shield-shaped logo with antlers, stripes, and a horse.
Richard - "As usual, I've come up with the best possible shuttlecraft. Since Jeremy bought a brick and James bought a lawn ornament."
Jeremy - "But you've bought the most miniscule shuttle in seven systems. I could step on it and it would be crushed like a bug."
Jeremy mimes stepping on Richard's Porsche, and accidentally knocks off one of the ornaments. Richard fixes him with a withering glare.
Richard - "If you're done wrecking my shuttle-."
Jeremy - "It doesn't need to be wrecked, look at it!"
James - "If you want my opinion..."
Jeremy - "I don't see how we can stop you."
James - "You're both going to crash and burn in those overmuscled toys before we even get halfway around the planet."
The three bicker for several more minutes until a man in a lab coat comes out and hands Jeremy an envelope.
Jeremy, reading from the paper inside - "This should be very simple."
James and Richard snort in amusement.
Jeremy continues reading - "Your challenge is to each ferry two members of the Federation starship Enterprise wherever they want to go during shore leave. To win, all you need to do is to return here at the end of two days, conscious and breathing."
Richard shrugs - "Is that it?"
James - "No other rules?"
Jeremy - "Apparently not. Well, how hard could it be?"
Richard closes his eyes and James shakes his head.
Jeremy, in a voiceover - "A few minutes later, our passengers showed up. Being as I was apparently the luckiest producer, I was to be ferrying a lovely lady.”
There are several lingering shots of Uhura, in shorter-than-regulation skirts, looking fabulous. The Top Gear presenters are looking a little slack-jawed and vacant.
Jeremy, continuing – “And a science officer.” Spock enters the shot with Uhura, but Jeremy doesn’t even look at him. “James would be taking a captain and a doctor.” Kirk and McCoy look over at Jeremy’s Lambo with envy before turning their attention to James’ Alfa. Kirk is clearly repressing laughter. McCoy is scowling. Kirk mutters quietly, and is subtitled with, “Damn, we should have brought Scotty along.” “While Richard would be keeping company with a navigator and a pilot.” Chekov and Sulu grin at the sight of Richard’s Porsche and high-five each other.
“And with no further ado, we were off.”
---Two Days Later---
Jeremy, in a voiceover – “I landed, two days later, more bored than I thought it was possible for a human being to be bored before. I spent two nights in the parking lot of a resort, and while I’m pleased to report that the Lambo’s seats are comfortable, I am wretched that I spent two days on Risa and wasn’t even allowed to get drunk.”
Jeremy lounges outside his shuttle, scanning the area for his friends.
James, in a voiceover – “I, however, did not land at the finish line. In fact, after getting the Alfa to the first large city, it did what all Alfas are made to do. Break down. As the captain and doctor got bored and wandered off to drink, I was left to repair the Alfa on my own. However, after falling asleep, I woke to find myself napping on a park bench, the Alfa having been sold by the captain for drinking money and a light scooter. I was then invited to join him and the doctor for a few days of high entertainment. As I am not quite certain of the date, I think I can safely say that I’ve lost this challenge spectacularly. As spectacularly as the Alfa might have been, if it had been capable of running.”
A few pictures flash across the screen, showing James in several Risa bars, Kirk with a different lady on his arm each time, and McCoy with two ladies and an alien on his, with Kirk giving him a big thumbs-up.
Richard, in a voiceover – “I actually did get back to the landing field, but I wasn’t in my shuttle when I got there. Actually, I was dropped off. From above.”
Jeremy looks up at the sound of an approaching shuttle and some yelling, only to see Richard parachuting down out of the sky. Shots from inside the shuttle show Sulu at the controls, with Chekov egging him on, doing various high-speed maneuvers all over Risa’s skyline. Jeremy barely waits until Richard had reached the ground, panting with effort and adrenaline, before talking to him.
Jeremy – “Kicked you out, didn’t they?”
Richard puts his hands on his knees and leans over, not even bothering to answer.
Jeremy – “Well, then we’ve established that the best possible shuttle for a weekend getaway at Risa is-.”
Richard, gasping – “Not an overpriced Lambo that sat in a parking lot for two days.”
Jeremy – “You’re one to talk, you couldn’t even keep control of yours!”
Richard – “They’re practically teenagers! And whatever happened to James, anyway?”
Shot switches to a park bench, where James has been propped up next to a statue of a well-endowed lady. He snores gently, his Alfa Romero keys dangling from the lampshade on his head.
Jeremy and Richard laugh heartily as the Top Gear theme plays over the end credits.